People-ing can be super difficult for neurodivergent folx.
For starters, we struggle with social cues and everything around socialization in general.
But THEN, we've also learned to mask because we've struggled with socialization, which means we see a lot of the niceties and things required to socialize in typical ways as... Inauthentic, at best.
Once someone gets a diagnosis (or begins to understand more about what their diagnosis meant), we'll often retreat away from humans for awhile realizing that we actually know nothing about how to win friends and be a people.
Here's the thing, though:
You actually know a lot more than you think.
For most of the people I work with, they're actually some combination of:
- Ridiculously funny and punny, due to their pattern-spotting abilities
- Super-connectors, again because of pattern-spotting and their uncanny ability to remember obscure details about people and link them up
- Incredibly kind, generous, and helpful, because of their strong sense of justice, moral compass, and genuine belief that people are inherently good and deserving of help
- Wildly intelligent about specific subjects, due to their hyperfixation on these things, and generous with sharing their knowledge
- Willing and able to pitch in to help at a moment's notice for anyone who needs it, because their brains often work better with a touch of emergency
They're most, if not all of these things, and more!
But they hold back from being these things in interactions with people, which makes them think they don't know how to interact with people.
Because if you can't do the things that come naturally to you, and you feel the "rules" you were taught are inauthentic and disingenuous, then what do you do?
How do you make friends?
How do you be a people?
Many of us neurodivergent humans were taught early on, in school typically, that our ways of relating to the world were inappropriate.
We can't speak up with ideas - raise your hand, give others a turn.
We can't be funny and make puns - people don't understand, and that's on you.
We can't connect people with others or suggest two people get in contact - that's not your job, let the adults decide.
We can't use our moral compass - we have to bend it, because sometimes you just have to do things that are wrong and that somehow makes them right.
We can't help everyone - it could get us into dangerous spots.
We can't help everyone - not everyone wants help.
We can't volunteer every time - that looks like the teachers' pet.
We can't share our knowledge - that makes you a know-it-all.
We can't share our knowledge - it's boring, no one cares.
We can't focus on that interest - it's too obscure and unimportant.
We can't drop everything and help everyone - it's irresponsible.
And I'm here to tell you, my friend, that all of those lessons are probably necessary to keep 9 year old you in a school of 500-2000 people, moving along, doing what you're supposed to, and hopefully not getting kidnapped by someone who said they need your help.
But adult you?
Adult you absolutely can and SHOULD:
- Share your ideas freely, especially if you think they have value to others
- Be funny! Make puns!
- Connect people to each other
- Do what you feel is right
- Help people who need it, when you want to help and are able
- Volunteer or ask to do things that would make you happy
- Share your knowledge!
- Focus on your interests!
- Drop everything to help someone who needs it, if you can and are able
This is how you make friends and be a people.
This is how you form relationships as an adult. In life, in business, in everything.
You give freely, you share, you help, you connect, you volunteer, you focus, you do what you feel is right.
The beautiful thing is, there are SO MANY adults out there that if the one you're talking to doesn't think you're funny or doesn't want your knowledge...
... another one will.
And there's no one trying to wrangle 30 of you into doing the same worksheet at once to convince you that you shouldn't try.
In December, I'm co-hosting a live event with Dusti Arab and Veronica Yahns in Portland, Oregon. The entire purpose of this event is to bring people together to build relationships and connect.
It is not an event exclusively for extroverts.
It is an event for anyone who wants to make more of an effort to have those friendship-type connections in business that make all of this feel better.
On December 8, we'll begin with a series of talks, panels, and breakout sessions focused on bringing more relationships and connection and authenticity into your business. This is, of course, punctuated by *incredible* access to food and casual social time (which you can also use to unwind or recharge your social batteries.) On this day, I'm hosting a breakout session called - you guessed it - "How to Win Friends and Be a People: A breakout session on networking and doing social things for the rest of us."
On December 9, VIP ticket holders will gain access to a series of exclusive masterminds facilitated by myself and our co-hosts, all trained to provide mastermind facilitation in ways that actually value, honour, and accept contributions from the group, understanding that the relationships formed during these masterminds are equally if not more valuable than the information exchanged.
There are a limited number of tickets available, but one-day tickets have payment plans starting at just $50. If you can make it to Portland, we've made this event as accessible as possible for you!
Click here to get the info on Reinvent(ed), December 8-9 in Portland, OR.
Will you be popping in the group next week? I'm thinking of hosting some lives and would love to see you there!
- Cheryl
❤️ How to work with me
The bundles are no longer available, but Solo School always is! We're adding a ton of new training this month and every month, plus 8 neurodivergent coaches across multiple specialties available to support you every single week.
💯 Days Without Deadlines
I managed to finish two projects with "deadlines" - without deadlines!
This is a big thing for me.
In spite of the constant internal chatter reminding me that I'm chronically behind, I took a chance, and let myself do the things when I felt capable of doing them.
And they were done in a reasonable timeframe.
Well, would you look at that?!
My Notion project management dashboard is still in flux. I think I need to dedicate some time specifically to it. It is working, but i'm not finding myself leaning on it - so I'm sure there are things falling between the cracks.
Ideally, what I need to do is feel inspired to fix it...
... then dedicate a work block to it.
I'm also finding myself needing to set time limits on little things. All of the "other people's requests" that pop into my inbox every day.
An interesting thing that's happening is that with no hard deadlines, I've allowed these tasks to overtake some entire days rather than stopping and asking myself what I actually want to be working on.
While I've got several programs, projects, and courses in the queue, I need to prioritize producing things rather than responding to things - even though there's nothing firm forcing me to do so.
Which is one of the hardest things I could ever imagine doing, and I don't know why! But I'm working on it.
💪 Business adaptation of the week
A written todo list of PROJECTS that I add little things do every day.
This is digital, currently, but it's helping me with the project management system I'm using.
It allows me to sit down at the beginning of the day and ask what I want to do and need to respond to.
Then I can remember.
If I no longer want to when I get to something, that's fine - no deadlines.
But trying to hold in my brain everything I wanted to accomplish in a day was too much, so, now we have a written list every morning that I populate with the days wishes. And so far, it's working to help keep me straight.
🎁 My favourite things this week
I can knit!
I know that normally I practically preach about focusing on your strengths and letting your weaknesses go. And that's true for US, the majority of us who only look at our weaknesses and tend to focus on fixing what we're not doing or can't do rather than working on what we want to do.
However.
I've found that I enjoy challenges.
And re-learning to knit after 30 years of not doing it, saying crochet was faster, has been quite the exercise in challenging myself.
I'm also taking on one of the world's most difficult desserts to make (and attempting to make a gluten free version of it, on top of that); working toward a new goal with my Peloton; and trying to finish 3 blankets and 4 books before the end of this month.
Challenging myself to learn and do new things in ways that are FUN is good.
Challenging myself to learn and do new things even though I don't like them, just because I feel badly about myself for not being able to, is the thing to avoid.
📚 What I'm reading
I've added a new non-fiction book to my currently reading pile, courtesy of a recommendation from the incomparable Briar Harvey (who is currently offering an incredible done-for-you content machine, if you're interested in such things.)
While going through one of my regular ADHD-driven existential crises, she suggested the book "Designing Your Life" by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans, with the accompanying workbook. I'm working on diving deep into that and will keep you posted on how it goes. Many of these books often ask me questions that have too many possible answers, and just end up reminding me of how many things I like and could do. So we shall see if this turns out differently...
Want to follow my reading? Check me out on StoryGraph, the minority-owned GoodReads competitor I love!
