How to win friends and be a people.
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People-ing can be super difficult for neurodivergent folx.
For starters, we struggle with social cues and everything around socialization in general.
But THEN, we've also learned to mask because we've struggled with socialization, which means we see a lot of the niceties and things required to socialize in typical ways as... Inauthentic, at best.
Once someone gets a diagnosis (or begins to understand more about what their diagnosis meant), we'll often retreat away from humans for awhile realizing that we actually know nothing about how to win friends and be a people.
Here's the thing, though:
You actually know a lot more than you think.
For most of the people I work with, they're actually some combination of:
- Ridiculously funny and punny, due to their pattern-spotting abilities
- Super-connectors, again because of pattern-spotting and their uncanny ability to remember obscure details about people and link them up
- Incredibly kind, generous, and helpful, because of their strong sense of justice, moral compass, and genuine belief that people are inherently good and deserving of help
- Wildly intelligent about specific subjects, due to their hyperfixation on these things, and generous with sharing their knowledge
- Willing and able to pitch in to help at a moment's notice for anyone who needs it, because their brains often work better with a touch of emergency
They're most, if not all of these things, and more!
But they hold back from being these things in interactions with people, which makes them think they don't know how to interact with people.
Because if you can't do the things that come naturally to you, and you feel the "rules" you were taught are inauthentic and disingenuous, then what do you do?
How do you make friends?
How do you be a people?
Many of us neurodivergent humans were taught early on, in school typically, that our ways of relating to the world were inappropriate.
We can't speak up with ideas - raise your hand, give others a turn.
We can't be funny and make puns - people don't understand, and that's on you.
We can't connect people with others or suggest two people get in contact - that's not your job, let the adults decide.
We can't use our moral compass - we have to bend it, because sometimes you just have to do things that are wrong and that somehow makes them right.
We can't help everyone - it could get us into dangerous spots.
We can't help everyone - not everyone wants help.
We can't volunteer every time - that looks like the teachers' pet.
We can't share our knowledge - that makes you a know-it-all.
We can't share our knowledge - it's boring, no one cares.
We can't focus on that interest - it's too obscure and unimportant.
We can't drop everything and help everyone - it's irresponsible.
And I'm here to tell you, my friend, that all of those lessons are probably necessary to keep 9 year old you in a school of 500-2000 people, moving along, doing what you're supposed to, and hopefully not getting kidnapped by someone who said they need your help.
But adult you?
Adult you absolutely can and SHOULD:
- Share your ideas freely, especially if you think they have value to others
- Be funny! Make puns!
- Connect people to each other
- Do what you feel is right
- Help people who need it, when you want to help and are able
- Volunteer or ask to do things that would make you happy
- Share your knowledge!
- Focus on your interests!
- Drop everything to help someone who needs it, if you can and are able
This is how you make friends and be a people.
This is how you form relationships as an adult. In life, in business, in everything.
You give freely, you share, you help, you connect, you volunteer, you focus, you do what you feel is right.
The beautiful thing is, there are SO MANY adults out there that if the one you're talking to doesn't think you're funny or doesn't want your knowledge...
... another one will.
And there's no one trying to wrangle 30 of you into doing the same worksheet at once to convince you that you shouldn't try.
In December, I'm co-hosting a live event with Dusti Arab and Veronica Yahns in Portland, Oregon. The entire purpose of this event is to bring people together to build relationships and connect.
It is not an event exclusively for extroverts.
It is an event for anyone who wants to make more of an effort to have those friendship-type connections in business that make all of this feel better.
On December 8, we'll begin with a series of talks, panels, and breakout sessions focused on bringing more relationships and connection and authenticity into your business. This is, of course, punctuated by *incredible* access to food and casual social time (which you can also use to unwind or recharge your social batteries.) On this day, I'm hosting a breakout session called - you guessed it - "How to Win Friends and Be a People: A breakout session on networking and doing social things for the rest of us."
On December 9, VIP ticket holders will gain access to a series of exclusive masterminds facilitated by myself and our co-hosts, all trained to provide mastermind facilitation in ways that actually value, honour, and accept contributions from the group, understanding that the relationships formed during these masterminds are equally if not more valuable than the information exchanged.
There are a limited number of tickets available, but one-day tickets have payment plans starting at just $50. If you can make it to Portland, we've made this event as accessible as possible for you!
Click here to get the info on Reinvent(ed), December 8-9 in Portland, OR.
Will you be popping in the group next week? I'm thinking of hosting some lives and would love to see you there!
- Cheryl
❤️ How to work with me
The bundles are no longer available, but Solo School always is! We're adding a ton of new training this month and every month, plus 8 neurodivergent coaches across multiple specialties available to support you every single week.
